I don’t know what else to say but that I’m over-tired. E-Niner didn’t go to sleep until 5AM because he is scared of having another bad dream. We gave him sleeping medicine and clonidine, but it is as if his fears are stronger than any kind of pharmaceutical potion.

These breakdowns feel different than those he’s had in the past because he is telling me about things that I know don’t exist. Last night when I put him down the first time, he howled twenty minutes after I had left the room. There was a fish tail in the corner of his bed and he could feel it on his hand.

“Your mind is playing tricks on you,” I said. “There are no fish or fish tails here.”

“Why is my mind playing tricks on me?” he asked.

I had no answer, because I have the same question. Why? Why is this happening?

I want this to stop. I want this whole warped world to come to an immediate end.

What is happening when people have these hallucinations? Can you will them to stop?

I picked up a few books from the bookstore: The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat by Oliver Sacks (a book I adored since reading it for a writing class in college), A Beautiful Mind by Sylvia Nasar, and Autobiography of a Schizophrenic Girl by “Renee.”

The Autobiography of a Schizophrenic Girl is at once something I want to eat up, take in, soak down to my bones — especially since this girl had her first hallucination at five years old, the same age E-Niner is now. At the same time, these intimate details she gives of her perception of the world — how people, objects, connections seem to fall away only to be replaced by a terrorizing vastness — are images that scare me for E-Niner.

I pray for E-Niner that he doesn’t experience that unrelenting feeling of living in doom, but perhaps he does?

How do I save my son from his own mind?

E-Niner was watching one of the deleted scenes from his Curious George movie DVD. In it, Ted (the Man in the Yellow Hat) has a nightmare.

E-NINER: I’m just Ted.

ME: Are you saying that because you had a bad dream?

E-NINER: Yeah. I had a bad parking lot dream. [Actually, Ted was having a "bad parking lot dream."]

ME: I think you’re remembering your bad fish dream.

E-NINER: That wasn’t a dream. I had fish right in front of my face!

ME: It was a dream. That didn’t really happen.

E-NINER (adamant): Yes, it did! There was a whale right by the ceiling!

ME: E-Niner, think about it. Fish need water to live. Our house doesn’t have water in it like that.

He considered the thought. Maybe I was getting to him.

E-NINER: I know fish need water.

ME: Then how could they have been swimming in front of your face?

E-NINER: Magic, mom. Because of magic.

And then he went off, clicking together his toy flowers, “pretending” to be Ted.

Evan had an hallucination last night.

Apparently he was seeing fish tails underneath his blanket and it scared the beejeezus out of him.

Not sure what to say about it, except that I am numb and exhausted. Dealing with a psychotic breakdown at 3AM does not make for a good night’s sleep, especially after having dealt with one only a few hours before.